Words to Use When Your Child is Feeling Anxious

How do you respond when your child refuses to go upstairs by himself, cries if you attempt to leave him before he’s asleep at bedtime, or doesn’t want to go to an activity you know he will love once he gets there? When a child is experiencing anxiety, he demonstrates it in his behavior. Often that behavior is a vehement protest, but sometimes, it is a complete “shut down,” in which he is incapable of doing things he could do just yesterday. No matter which response, it is tempting to simply avoid the difficult situation, but anxiety increases when situations are avoided. Instead, it is important to gently nudge your child forward, empowering and supporting him to take on this challenge. Your words and actions make a difference.

Words to Use When Setting Limits

If a behavior is unsafe, hurtful, or disrespectful to self, others, or the environment, it’s time to step in and set a limit. A limit tells the child what needs to happen. Why it needs to happen. When it needs to happen and what you will do if it does not happen. A limit can be used to either stop or start a behavior. 

Words to Use When You Want Your Child to Transition from One Activity, Thing or Place to Another

The day is full of transitions. A transition is defined as a shift or change from one place, thing, condition, or activity to another.  Whether it is getting dressed in the morning, turning off electronics, stopping play to come to eat, getting in or out of the car, or leaving a friend’s house your words can help your child shift smoothly – at least most of the time. WORDS TO USE TO SUCCESSFULLY TRANSITION 

In the Heat of the Moment Instead of Saying That...Try Saying This...

Your response changes your child’s. A slight adjustment in your words and actions can make a huge difference in whether your child escalates or calms. For example, you are trying to make dinner when your child insists, she needs you to help her put a shirt on her bear. If you say, “You need to wait!”  Odds are your child will meltdown on the spot. But if instead you say, “I will help you. What would you like to do while you are waiting for me to finish this?” Your child may surprise you, at least for a few moments, by demonstrating patience you never realized she had. 

It's Mine! Teaching Your Child to Share

Jenny had been looking forward to seeing her friend and letting their two-year-old children Abigail andIsaac play together, but the visit deteriorated quickly. No matter what toy Isaac picked up, Abigail grabbed it away shouting, “Mine!” She even pushed Isaac when he turned his back to her to protect thetoy in his hand. Jenny was mortified by Abigail’s behavior. When she contacted us Lynn and I assuredher, Abigail was not being aggressive, but she was being two.

Talking About Race with Our Children, Whatever their Race

We asked you what information you would like addressed in our blogs.  Many of you responded by asking for information on how to discuss race and the protests with your children.  We turned to Beth Hall, colleague and friend who has spent decades working to combat discrimination.  The following is her guest blog. She sent it along with a note - "It's a thousand words long, feel free to cut it." We couldn't. We found her words thought provoking, personal and helpful. We hope you will too. 

If You Are Working From Home You Want To Read This Blog

How does one care for children, especially young children, AND complete paid employment tasks?

You Might Be Pleasantly Surprised By What Children Can and Want To Do

You can be teaching Self-Help Skills  Who would have ever imagined that five-year-old Teagan would be “asking,” for jobs, but she was. Her parents had explained that there are three types of jobs: 

When It Feels Like You Can Never Do Enough

If severed support lines and ever-increasing demands on your time are leaving you feeling overwhelmed, you are not alone. Added to the viral plague is a mental plague – a sense that no matter how fast you run, or how much you do, you are not doing enough. Combine the two forces and the mere act of rising in the morning becomes daunting. How can you be kind to yourself with these foes at your door? 

Ditch the Structured Activity for an Unstructured Alternative

Music reduces stress – supposedly. That is until you attempt to get your child to practice.  It appears that the “shut down” stress response has struck even activities children have previously enjoyed. The announcement of practice time raises a chorus of; “I can’t.” “I won’t.” “You can’t make me!” “It’s too hard.” “I miss you.” “Stay with me.” And repeats itself growing ever more “forte.”

Make “ADULT” Time Part of Your Daily Routine

Children synchronize to our stress. Taking care of you, is taking care of your child.

Why is my child suddenly clingy?

What’s Happening? Why Children Suddenly Cling, Don’t Want to Be Alone, or Refuse to Dress, Walk or Feed Themselves.

The threat of Coronavirus ignites feelings!

The threat of coronavirus ignites both your child's and your feelings, but what are those feelings?  How do you and your little one best cope?

Stop the hitting, pushing or screaming – before it begins

The children are playing harmoniously but suddenly the quiet is pierced by screams, tears and accusations – “He hit me!” “He took my toy!” You have no idea what happened, but you know you will now be forced to unravel the mess. One word can make all the difference.

What to Do When Your Child Whines

Why is this child, who is perfectly capable of forming words, suddenly resorting to torturing moans and groans? 

Time-Out - Not as a Punishment

Taking a break is one of the most effective lifelong calming strategies.  Unfortunately, for children time-out is all too often used as a punishment.

End the Meal Time Battles

Do you dread mealtimes knowing there will be at least one meltdown during the meal?  Does your child refuse to eat what you are serving?  Are you bribing your child to take one more bite?  Is food a major source of power struggles in your home? 

Daylight Savings Time 2018 Spring

Daylight Savings time is the perfect springboard into power struggles over bedtime and wake up routines because our body clock does not switch as quickly as the clock on our phone.

Daylight Savings Time

On Sunday, March 12 we spring forward one hour.   It is the perfect springboard into power struggles over bedtime and wake up routines because our body clock does not switch as quickly as the clock on our phone.  

When Your Child’s Meltdowns are Ruining Vacation

The screams are unexpected, always profoundly embarrassing.  This time the waiter trigger it, by announcing that chicken nuggets were no longer available despite being listed on the menu.   

What's Your Parenting Style?

Each of us has a “style of parenting."  What's yours?

Reducing the 'Pain' of Springing Forward to Daylight Savings Time

On Sunday, March 13 we spring forward one hour.   It is the perfect springboard into power struggles over bedtime and wake up routines because our body clock does not switch as quickly as the clock on our phone.

Don’t Leave Me!

What to do When Your Child Melts Down and Does Not Want You out of His Sight.

5 Tips to Stop the 'Strike out Tantrums:' Hitting, Biting, Kicking and Name-calling

What do you do when your child hits you?  Not a swipe mind you, but a fisted punch?  

Beware! On Sunday we Fall back to Standard Time

How to Deal with the Fall Time Change and Its Impact on Bed and Wake Times

Taking the Fight out of Getting Out

A peaceful start to the day is priceless.  If tears are shed trying to get dressed, shoes on, and into the car the entire rest of the day can feel lousy.  You can take steps now to insure that as school begins, morning wars don’t.

Stopping Aggressive Behavior - Begins with a Question

Oscar was howling when I entered the room.  His younger brother Evan shot a glance at me, then lowered his eyes, turned his head and body from me, all while maintaining a death grip on the iPad in his arms. 

Taking the 'Fight' out of Bed and Naptime: Establishing a Routine that Puts Mother Nature on Your Side

A good night’s sleep doesn’t begin with your bedtime routine.  It starts in the morning.  All day long we make decisions that either help to “set” the body clock, allowing the brain to know when to be awake and when to be asleep, or innocently disrupt it. 

Struggling to Get Your Kids to Sleep? Catch the Cues to Make it Easier

If nap or bedtime at your house has become a marathon wrestling match requiring more than 45 minutes of struggle to get the kids down, there may be a simple solution.  Catch the cues – earlier.  

When Toilet Learning is NOT Going Well

You’ve been trying to lead your child to the toilet, but it’s not working – now what?

Seven Steps to Toilet Learning Success

I will never forget the day my daughter came running into the kitchen to announce – “I have to go potty.”  That was it.  From that point forward she rarely if ever had an accident. 

Three Tips for Keeping Your Cool

“I promised myself I was not going to yell at her again,” Kristin confessed.  “But sometimes it is as though it erupts from me. The force of it shocks me.  I keep wondering, who is this?” 

Is Your Child in a Great Classroom?

Sometimes along with the relief of returning to a routine comes the angst of whether or not your child is in a good classroom. 

Is Your Child 'Showing You' He's Stressed about Going Back to School?

How does your child tell you, he’s freaking out about going back to school?   Some kids make it pretty obvious, but others are a bit more subtle.

Children, Chores and Conflict: Do They Really have to Go Together?

“Pick up your shoes.”  “Clean your room.”  “Put away your toys.”  “Set the table.” Whenever, these directives cross your mind, odds are an internal battle begins.

Tips to Getting the Kids through the Door, Off the Swings, and into Bed without the Tears

It’s been an exhausting day, yet you have managed to pick up the kids, get them outside to play in the yard and put together a decent family dinner.  When you open the door to announce it’s time to stop playing and come inside to eat, the youngest, dashes away, screaming, “No, you can’t make me!”  

It's mine! Sharing in the Sandbox and at Other Summer Gatherings

After arriving at the gathering and dropping your four-year-old at the sand box, you’ve grabbed a few chips and a cold drink.  Shifting your shoulders slightly, you take a deep breath.  So far all is quiet.   

When Your Child Just Gets Angrier If You Try to Talk about Emotions

Ever wonder why when one child is upset, if you offer a hug, she melts into your arms but another pushes you away?

When Your Child is Refusing to Do What She is Capable of Doing: Skill vs. Will

Being cooperative and successful is a combination of having the skill and having the will.  Since Andrew has dressed himself in the past and usually does so with little to no prompting when he “can’t dress himself” it’s pretty obvious he’s lacking the will. The question of course is why? 

Learn To Be An Emotion Coach

Your child dumps his cereal bowl on the floor.  The four year old knocks down the two year old.  You tell your child he can’t buy something and now he’s screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of the store.

Tips for Making an Exception to Your Routine

Does it really matter if sleep times move an hour to two?  Unfortunately, the answer is yes. So think carefully before making an exception. 

When and How to 'Give in': Modifying a Routine

One of the benefits of maintaining predictable routines is that when they don’t work it’s a “red flag” that something is wrong.

The Dreaded Public Meltdown: What do I do now?

Summer is supposed to fun.  Time to be outside, visit family, attend festivals and fairs or go the beach but it also makes us even more vulnerable to those dreaded public melt down moments. 

Why Do They Behave for Others and Leave me Feeling Like a Parent Failure?

Ever find yourself silently screaming wondering why your child behaves for others and falls apart the minute you walk in the door?  Are you an unfit parent?  Are you a failure?  Or, do these comments signify that you are doing a GREAT job!

If you give an inch, will they take a mile?

It hits out of the blue.  “I want jelly beans for dinner!”   Or, “I don’t want to go to school today!” Perhaps more than a demand it’s a simple request, “May I sleep in your room tonight?”

Collaborating: Finding win/win solutions

Eight-year-old Jason and seven-year-old Matt were fighting over Pokeman cards. “You stole my card!” Jason accused Matt. “I did not! Your brother traded it to me.” 

When your child offers the third option: the choice you didn't give

“Do you want to pick up the blocks or the books?” you ask your child.  That’s when she cheerily offers, “I’ll pick up the dolls.”  This was not one of the options you’ve offered, yet she’s still cleaning up and it’s true the dolls do need to be picked up too.

When we need to calm first

You have asked your child to pick up his toys and he’s refusing.  When you ask, "What's up?” he drops into a full-fledged meltdown, screaming and kicking at you.  This was not in the script running through your head. 

When you offer a choice and your child disagrees

You have offered your child a choice but he didn’t respond or doesn’t want either option you have presented.  Believe it or not, this is an opportunity to teach your child that he is responsible for what happens to him.  

Emotion Coaching: What's up?

Seeking understanding doesn’t mean giving in.

Choose to Connect and De-escalate the Situation

You’ve picked up the cues by noticing that voices have gotten louder. Or, that there’s a slight whining tone to your child’s voice, or he’s starting to forget the rules.  Now what?

Emotion Coaching: The Secret to Effective Discipline

• You are not helpless.
• You really do make a difference. 
• Your response to your child can either escalate or deescalate the situation.  

The Secret to Effective Discipline: Emotion coaching

The dreaded proclamations erupt in the kitchen. Yet on this day, when your friend hears them, she calmly walks over to her four-year-old twins, bends down, places one hand on the iPad and the other on one’s shoulder as she replies.  “Jacob, you had the iPad and then you decided to play with your Legos.  

Halloween Life Lessons

“There are so many life lessons in Halloween,” Lynn declared, and started off on a brainstorming marathon.  I couldn’t resist joining the fun. Here is our list.  

The Importance of Sleep

I am a child care provider who recently heard you speak about the importance of sleep.  Presently we are waking our preschoolers after one hour of nap at parents’ requests.  Should we be doing this?  - Chelsea

Jumping on the Couch

We have been using the "time out" discipline method for our spirited 27-month-old. An example is that he loves to jump on our couch, which is obviously dangerous. 

What's the 'Wild' Behavior All About?

My spirited son becomes very hyperactive on the lead up to school and in the first weeks back too. 

Planning for Success: Reducing the 'Back-to-School' Jitters

Every year I dread the beginning of school.  My daughter begins worrying about it weeks before it starts.  How do I help her feel comfortable?  During the summer she has a few special friends she plays with regularly, but school always seems a bit overwhelming to her.  ~Emma

Keeping Your Cool

It's hard to give my spirited daughter time to process emotions, because her actions push me away, when really, I think she wants me close.  It's so hard to be near her at those moments. I need time to process at that point. - Tatum

Misbehavior or Developmental Task?

Yesterday, I told my toddler not to touch the entertainment center. She looked right at me, laughed and then did it again. Lately this has been happening every day. She knows better. Isn't this blatant misbehavior? How should I respond?  -Becca

Weaning from the pacifier

My three-year-old daughter’s pacifier is constantly dangling in her mouth no matter what she’s doing, but we just saw our dentist and he is insistent it has to go.

Emotional Coaching

Our family recently visited an arcade.  The first time our son tried one of the games he won so of course he then expected to win every time.  

The Party's Over - Now what?

My spirited son has just turned eight.  We had a party, a small gathering of friends which works well for him.  He had a great day. Today his behavior is horrid.  He is very easily frustrated, yelling and rude.  

Car Seat Wars

My three-year-old son Nate never simply gets into his car seat.  First he has to climb into the front seat and “drive.”  Then a toy on the floor will catch his attention and he will insist on checking it out.

Consequences

Help!  My four-year-old son starts screaming the minute something doesn’t go his way. There is no “wind-up” he just lets loose and within seconds he’s screaming and flailing, trying to kick and hit me.  

Tantruming in Public

I just needed a few things and didn’t want to have to take all the kids to the store after school, so I fed my youngest lunch then hopped in the car.  We didn’t even get through the door before she threw herself down on the ground screaming because I tried to put her in the cart.  I almost died of embarrassment.