I don't want to go to school!

"I hate school!" "I’m not going." "My teacher is mean!" It’s been weeks, maybe months since school began and yet your child continues to struggle with the transition back to school. Are there things you can do to ease this dreaded transition? Yes!

1. Check the stress level in the classroom. To thrive your child needs to feel emotionally and physically safe.  In this "green zone," of calm energy they have easy access to their higher-level thinking skills. If, however, the tension level is high, they are likely to go into a state of alert ready to fight or flee and drop to a lower level of brain functioning, unable to easily access those essential higher-level thinking skills.  If possible, volunteer in the classroom. While you are there, pay attention to what is happening inside of your body. Are you feeling comfortable, and realize you’d like to stay? Or is every brain cell screaming, "Flee while you can!" Paying attention to how you feel puts you in touch with the stress level in the classroom. The question then, is do you want to flee because you feel unsafe, or uncomfortable? These are two very different emotions. Uncomfortable is a common reaction in new situations and there are steps you can take to help both you and your child feel more comfortable.  It’s important that both of you feel comfortable because your child synchronizes to your stress level.
2. Foster connections with the teacher. Talk with the teacher, is there something your child could help her do, like feed a pet, water a plant, carry items to the office? On a "good day," send a text or email letting her know how much you appreciate her efforts.
3. Create a sense of belonging. Children need to feel that they belong in this classroom. Does your child have a special interest they could share with the class? Can you plan a play date with another classmate, to foster a friendship? Find ways to connect with other parents. The car line has been a detriment to a sense of belonging for school communities. Those micro conversations that used to happen while parents stood by the door waiting for their children no longer occur. Consciously find ways to connect and build community.
4. Check your child’s cognitive skill level. Children need to be challenged at just the right level – not too easy and not too hard. If your child is struggling, talk with the teacher to explore what options are available to create a good fit for your child, or if an assessment is needed.
5. Note the discipline plan. Spirited children are highly perceptive. If a point system is in place in which good behavior is rewarded with points and poor behavior results in points being taken away, it creates a state of tension. Even if your child is earning LOTS of points, the mere threat of losing them can trigger their arousal system.
6. Remember feeling comfortable takes time. By nature, many spirited kids have a cautious first reaction to new situations.  It can easily take 6 weeks to four months for them to truly feel comfortable in a new classroom. You can expect it and teach your child to focus on each tiny success. Point out how apprehensive they used to be at drop off – now it’s better.  Or at first, they didn’t know who to sit with at lunch, but now they have a friend.

If despite your efforts your child continues to struggle you may decide that this classroom or school is not a good fit for your child and your family. It may be a great school for others and have excellent ratings, yet not be a place where your child can thrive. This is not a failure. People are different and so are schools. 

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